When a Woman and a Man Dine Out Together

 I am back trying to get my unpublished book “The Split Second:  In Consideration of Others or Look Up from the Phone and How to Deal with Rudeness in Others” published. I will not give up for right now whatsoever; however, there is enough “pushback” against my concept of a society where we all get along and are nice to each other. Then there are others who motivate me to go on with this project. I am incredibly grateful to them. I hope I can get the good word out there. Some love it; some think it is useless.

This is yet another blog of a three-part sort of offering (I wrote that there would be more). This can be a relevant issue considering how many people dine out at restaurants.

I have been discussing the concept of when two or more people go out for a meal in a restaurant, how should paying the bill be settled. I find there can be much confusion over this. There are those who still think, as a rule, those of us who like to go out to eat occasionally, should follow some old-fashioned customs. I will mention yet another custom that we all need to let go of when dining out with others. I am warning you ladies reading this, that some of you might be offended. Let me start off by mentioning that I consider women to be full equal partners in society; in my mind’s eye, there is no such thing as a second-class citizen whatsoever.

However, there are some women out in the world who still expect a man to pay for the meal. It was very much this way particularly when most men were gainfully employed, and many women were not. The few women who were working often did not make the same salaries as me quite significantly. Times have changed mostly. There are times when a man and woman go out to dinner and the woman may be making more of a salary or wages than the man. It happens. Once again, but in this case, unless the man has announced to the woman that he will be “picking up the tab,” the two diners need to follow that rule: if you order it, be prepared to pay for it.

In the early 1980s, I frequently socialized with a woman thirty years my senior who I had met at church gatherings. I shall call her “Anne” here. We were both public school teachers. We went out many times for the next twenty years, part of that time I was married to another woman. Anne never paid for a meal and merely “sat there” when the check came. I “picked up the tab.” When we were celebrating my 40^th birthday, three friends joined me for an expensive Sunday brunch. When the check came, one female friend gave me cash for her brunch, a male friend and Anne simply sat there. At this point, I had had enough. When I saw both friends separately later on, I told them that not contributing to the check for brunch on MY birthday was abominable. I would further tell Anne that I saw no reason for me to pay for her meals when we went out to eat. She agreed.

Anne died shortly after this occasion over twenty years ago. I recently found out from mutual friends that Anne had MUCH money in her bank accounts before she died. I felt something strange inside about this, as if I had been taken advantage of completely. Times have changed, and it is my opinion that women should not feel that a man should pay for their breakfast/lunch/dinner out. I fully support women’s equality with men; this is a part of that, I think.

My book is about thoughtfulness for others. Many have told me that this is slipping away in society. I believe that we can truly become a society where we can all think of others as we “go out in the world.”  It must start somewhere.